The Tour from Hell
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Hello Friends, Well, we are finally back from our tour of the Midwest and South. I would love to tell you all about how swimmingly the whole thing went, but I cannot do that for you folks. The tale you are about to hear is not for the faint of heart. Be prepared... this was an ugly trip whose repercussions will be felt for some time to come. Let's start from the beginning... In the beginning, there was a tour itinerary, a fully stocked and tuned INDESTRUCTO, and four optimistic men with a mission: Go forth and bring the rock to those in need. The eight-hour trip out to WV was filled with joy, merriment and plenty of junk food. When we finally pulled into Morgantown, WV we were more than ready to start fulfilling our mission to rock. It was when we pulled up to the club that our excitement was dulled and a foreshadowing of things to come was observed. If you will, imagine this scene... INDESTRUCTO pulls up, Cropduster piles out into the street and attempts to enter the club. The door is locked tight. No one is around, lights are off and there is no sign of life anywhere. On the front of the building, in plain sight, are two posters advertising the Cropduster show. "CROPDUSTER at 123 Pleasant Street - FRIDAY 11/23" You might think this was a good sign. Think again. We are standing on the street, gazing at the posters on a brisk Saturday night - the 24th of November. Whadafuk?! Luckily, the jam band that was scheduled to play that night graciously offered to let us open the show for them. It was a great night filled with 20 people into jam music, a jam band, and indie-pop sensation Cropduster! The next three nights went off pretty much without a hitch. We got to the clubs on time, brought the rock, and managed to make some new fans and friends along the way. All in all a good time was had by all. There were some nights where we had such a good time that the next day we couldn't even remember how much fun we had! On Wednesday night we reach our gig in Kansas City, MO. Now, this was a night to remember in both enjoyment, and ultimately, pain. We roll into the club, Hurricane, around 6:30 PM. There is barely anyone in the place at this early hour, but you can tell that those who are there are always there. We loaded in and started the ritualistic "Waiting Around" period of the night. Around 7:30, we are approached by one of the barflies who has obviously been there since before load in. Before introducing himself to the band, he begins to ask which songs the band will be playing tonight. Although, he didn't mean which songs would Cropduster be playing, but what songs would the band be playing with him leading the group. The name of the group was to be Mr. Wilson. We were to be his band. After further inquiry, we find out this guys name is indeed, Mr. Wilson, and that he doesn't actually sing or play any instruments. Well, to make a long story sho... uh, not as long, Mr. Wilson asks us to prove we are a "real" rock band. It is determined, by Mr. Wilson, of course, that the only way to do this is by pounding shots until we hit the stage. Not wanting to disappoint, we oblige and start doing shot after shot until we hit the stage... it was 7:45. We hit the stage like a fucking lunatics at 11:30. I'm not sure how we were still able to walk on stage or manage to operate our instruments, but by some higher authority, we rocked like madmen. And when it was all over, we had totally blown everybody away. It was simply amazing. When it was all over, Mr. Wilson declared, "shit... you guys really are a real rock-n-roll band!" All was right in the universe... After the gig, we put our drunken asses into INDESTRUCTO and started out on the 11 hour trip to Dallas. The details are a little hazy, but I think it was around 3:30 am, somewhere near Big-Flat-Zero-Elevation-Landscape, KS that Young Lee and I decide that we have to take a piss break. Marc and Tom are passed out in the back. Now, the road we are on has to be the most remote, desolate road on the planet. The exits are something like 50 miles apart, so when we see the Hardy's rest stop approaching, we sieze the opportunity to get off the highway. As we begin to exit the highway the heat in the van suddenly turned
off. I mention this to Young Lee... he looks at me sideways and his
yellow eyes say, "piss first, heat later." We jump out of
INDESTRUCTO and start heading towards the building… It's then that
we noticed the billowing white clouds of exhaust coming out of INDESTRUCTO.
Something's not right. We call AAA and wait for two hours in the Hardy's
for the tow truck. At some point during that time, the merry dizziness
of the alcohol wore off and the hangovers started to kick in. Passed
out in the booths of the Hardy's, we must have looked like death warmed
over. We pull into the parking lot of the Flea Bag motel in Wichita, KS. We unload all of our shit into the motel and INDESTRUCTO sadly disappears from sight on her way to the mechanic. The next morning comes within an hour... INDESTRUCTO is dead. She is no more. Although, through the modern miracles of automechanics, she can be revived with a whole new engine. The only problem is, she can't be revived until the following Thursday. Augh! We still have a whole week of dates to play. We are stuck in Wichita. What to do? After much debate, we decide to get a rental van. INDESTRUCT-ETTE is her name and, man oh man, is she a beaut! (shhh, don't tell INDESTRUCTO) She is green and sleek and can hit 90 miles an hour like it ain't no thing! Just ask Young Lee! We cancel the Dallas gig for that night and make a 3 hour trip back to Lawrence, MO. Luckily, we hooked up with a gig with the Dismemberment Plan at radio KJHK's 25 Anniversary Show. That was cool. However, the next night we need to be in Birmingham, AL. A long drive indeed. So, here we are... Lee is at the wheel. INDESTRUCT-ETTE is cruising, easily, at 90 miles an hour through KY. We are an hour ahead of schedule, yet still 4.5 hours from Birmingham. That's when our trip went from bad to worse. In our rearview, Young Lee sees the cop on our tail. We get pulled over. No big thing right? What's the worse thing that could happen? A ticket? A search of the van? A scene out of deliverance? How about, Young Lee being arrested? Yep. It's true. I won't go into the details of the arrest, but I think it had something to do with a grease gun, a toaster, and gaggle of chickens. For the next two hours, we are in a police station while Young Lee gets booked and the band gets extorted for $250 in cash. Almost the entire earnings from our past 6 gigs! You heard it here folks... Rock-n-roll don't pay shit! After we get Young Lee out of sing-sing, we are back on the road, and according to our calculations, only one hour late. Of course, that is one hour late when driving at excessive speeds. We are not afraid. And we don't want to miss our gig opening for Sony recording artists, Bare Jr. Finally, a gig where there might actually be a big crowd! SO, here we are speeding along trying to make the gig. By all calculations, we should pull into the club at 10:30 PM and be ready to play at 11:00 as scheduled. No problem. Well, turns out that we ended up having to make 3 pit stops on the way. One to eat, one to shit, and one to get gas. The strange thing is, each stop took about 20 - 30 minutes, but for some reason (like maybe the total disregard for traffic laws or human life) every time we get back on the road, we calculate that we will arrive at 10:30. Very strange, indeed. 10:29 PM - We are one block away from the club. One left turn through a traffic light away. Literally one minute. This is crazy. As we come up to the traffic light, it turns yellow. Everyone starts yelling, "GO, GO, GO!!" I am pumped! I hit the gas, we all fall back into our seats as the light changes red and I blow right though it. I cut the turn so hard, INDESTRUCT-ETTE almost flips over, and I fail to see the two cop cars waiting at the light. As the cops start to head through the light, we almost take the front end off of car number 1. Next thing we know, both cops are making U-turns as I put the pedal to the floor. We screech into the parking lot of the Nick and hit the brakes with both cop cars in tow. Everyone tries to hop out of the van before the cops can pull up. It was too late. The cops jump out with guns drawn screaming, "Get back in the van! Get back in the van!" I was sure at that instant that we were all going to jail. Luckily, after all of the commotion settled and the soundman at the club vouched for us, we were let off with a stern warning. It was amazing. I may be wrong, but it was the most rock-n-roll entrance ever recorded in history. It was five minutes later when we found out Bare JR had broken up the night before and wouldn't be making the gig. We were an hour early again. The next night in Chattanooga, TN, Bare JR canceled again. Cropduster played two full sets to a nice size crowd. Many asses were blown away. The following night, we found ourselves in Atlanta, GA where again, the supposed headliner, the VUE, barely made the gig. That wasn't so bad, at least some their crowd showed up and we got to play in front of them. The last night of the tour happened in Nashville, TN. We had to cut the tour short by two days, since Marc and Tom had to drive INDESTRUCT-ETTE back to Wichita to pick up INDESTRUCTO. On Tuesday, Marc and Tom headed to Wichita, while Young Lee and I headed home in a rental car. It was a sad end to a sadder trip. Luckily, in the end, everyone made it back home okay - a little wearier, a little wiser, and relatively unscathed. Unfortunately, the real hell is still yet to come when the bills start rolling in. Love, Cropduster |